Ill.

I hate feeling like this, I even missed christmas.
I feel so helpless, so weak.
Through the fevered dreams and really just feeling like I'm going to die, I ended up talking to myself in a sort of void byond sleep.
I don't know what's real or not right now.
I feel very emotionless.
I'm going back to bed.
So tired.
I just want to bring everybody down with me.
be seeing you?

Weird, weird stuff.

My mind has just stopped making sense in what seems a very good way.
Since I've got no idea what happened to me, I can't really post about it... All I know is what it did.
I'm generally happier.
Not happy, but not sad.
I've not got much on my mind and I think that's a really good thing.
I'm really tired.
This is the first time I've felt like I could get some sleep without having to stay up until four in the morning.
I might just go to bed and sleep right away, it would be amazing.
Time to type a letter.
-A-
There.
Right.
So, goodnight.
Sorry for the random randomness, but it just feels like it's been so long.
I just need sleep, not just rest that I normally get.
It would be nice.
Well... This is what happens when I don't really feel like posting anything but do so anyway.... Interesting...
Be Seeing You.

Don't Ask.

I woke up ok this morning.
The day seemed to work out from there.
My mum could tell something was wrong yesterday, she even gave me an early gift today.
A lot of people helped me in little ways today.
I've been given a lot today, more than anyone knows.
Today, today, today.
Thanks all.
be seeing you.

Dreams are all too real for me.

I fear my dreams. I dream things which I wish to be ture, only to wake and find them false. To stop this I stopped sleeping. All I do is lie awake for hours. When I do sleep if I don't remember my dreams, I'm fine, but this seems to be hardly ever the case.
I'm going to rest now, although tonight Ii think I'll end up sleeping, and in the morning, I'll have to face the harsh reality, the world in which we live in.
be seeing you.

*cries*

It's not as bad as I thought it would be, or maybe I just haven't faced it all yet... Today I felt my first day of meaninglessness for a long time. I find myself running out of reasons to get up in the morning. I wasted so much time, and now time has wasted me. I do reliy on others for everything, I need to get myself together. I feel I have no-one to turn to, that I've grown distant. No-one really tursts me, maybe it's because I drive anyone who is close to me away.
I see myself leading a very lonely life. When I find a way out of it, I cling to it untill I've crushed any hope of anything working out right.
Nothing works out for me, and it's all my fault.
I can't post right now.
be seeing you.

And That Was That.

Today, I found out that the person who I care about the most dosen't feel a thing for me. It hasn't hit me yet, but I know it will. the second I found out, I started to post this:

I'm ok now... but I know that later tonight I'll be trying to kill myself as it all sets in... I'll need help later, or soon... just someone watch out for me... I don't want to do anything crazy... it'll be triggered by music, or something that gives me memories...
well... tonight will be fun, while I'm ok right now in this sort of in shock time, I'll be sobbing by midnight... ok, and would someone remind me not to make what ahould have been in my blog apper here, because now I feel I'm forceing this on you all... maybe this what I want to do... I'm not sure at this time what I'm thinking, if I stop to think about that onlly bad things will come of it...
I know I will get over all this in time, but since this is the first night of it, I'm going to find it tough. Ii surieved this before, but now my reason for survieveing is gone, this what's wrong in the first place, but as I said, I'm ok just now, I'm going to keep this up for as long as I can... it helps me think about things with reason, before I get overcome by emotion and all reason gose out the window and I just feel like dying... this will all happen, I've been through it once before, but it was a lot wrose then... there was more negitve reason and I wasn't ready, I have more defences now, more walls, they'll all fall down in a few hours, I can see this coming yet there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing may happen to me, or this could be it, I don't know yet.

"This is the end, my only friend, the end." --the doors

I could put that in better words, but I don't want to think about the meaning of the words.
be seeing you.

Ok, I give up.

Well, yeah... I've had enough of trying to work out how I feel and how other people feel for the moment... it's all gotten that bit too much for me, I'll get back to thinking soon enough, but for now I feel like returning to a frame of mind I had a few years ago.
I think I might suffer from SAD(seasonal ajustment disorder). It happens to my dad, so I don't see him in winter at all really. I really miss him. I hope nothing has happened to him... it's just worrying, when I haven't seen or heard from him in over a month...
Chrismas appoches. This is the least I've looked forward to it, ever. Second one without my granpa... and I just know it won't be as happy as it used to be. I don't even want anything this year, it just all seems so meaningless.
I keep on having these thoughts that everyone I know is dead and I'm all alone. It's horrible, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't know why I can't stop, I hate it, but on some sick level I must enjoy it, it makes me hate myself.
Oh and the happiness of the last post, it lasted five minutes...
be seeing you.

What The Hell?!

A bunch of bad stuff all happened to me at once, yet I'm the happiest I've felt for months? I don't get it, I really don't... Well I'm not complaining, might be that what I thought and think is bad, is actually really good and I just don't know it yet, I've got no idea.
Be Seeing You.

In the Dark.

This always happens to me... I don't know what's going on. No-one tells me anything, I don't know what to ask because I don't even know enough to do that. Since I don't know what's going on, I feel if I posted what's in my mind, it wouldn't sort anything out, it would just convince me further that what I am thinking is true, even if it's not. So I'm just going to not say anything untill I get a better idea of what IS going on. I would say more... but... plans...>_>
Be seeing you.

What's Wrong With Me.

Sorry for the gap there... Too much, or too little going through my head... I found more tests... At least I know the names of what's wrong with me... I have at least three personality disorders... I don't feel so messed up now for some reason... Sort of like if someone knows what's wrong with you, it can be that bad... I don't feel like I'm making a good post here, but maybe that's the problem, I just expect too much from myself. I've found that to be the case many a time. I already see myself as useless, so it will be hard to see myself as any less than I already do. I just don't know what to do. Well, knowing I don't know what to do makes myself see myself as even more useless, so is that a step forward? I've confused myself again. I hate being confused, the worst thing about it is not being able to post here, which really sorts out my thoughts. My thoughts when I'm confused are un-sort-able. I just can't think.
Anyway, the personality disorders I have and how true they are, listed... Here:

(all true)
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:

* Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
* Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
* Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
* Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
* Desire for improved social relations
* Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
* Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

(all true)
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:

* Difficulty making decisions
* Feelings of helplessness when alone
* Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
* Submissiveness
* Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval
* Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

(all true)
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:

* Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Odd beliefs or magical thinking
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

(some of it true sometimes)
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

* Self-injury or attempted suicide
* Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
* Impulsive behavior
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Feelings of low self-worth
* Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Personal Statement. (first draft(update))

My choices of subjects are Psychology, Statistics and Philosophy.

I want to try and understand the human mind, emotions and abnormalities in these. I have a mathematical mind and see it as an art form. The ways in which people try and understand the world are of interest to me.

I read “Shrinks” from the Granta series, the experiments described in it, I found interesting. One in particular, was the experiment on obedience by a professor named Stanley Milgram, where it was discovered that people tend to do things because of where they are, not who they are, and we are slow to see it.

I take an interest in documentaries of a psychological, mathematical or even of a philosophical nature. For example, “The Net” a documentary about an anti-technology mathematician who is imprisoned for several bombings. The documentary shows through a series of letters written from prison, how the mind of the “Unabomber” -as he’s called- works. The insight into this individual was of great interest to me, his maths, his ways of looking at the world, all could be discovered by analysing what he was saying.

On-line psychological tests have always been of interest to me. It’s like a hobby of mine. I try and figure out how it all works, how answering just a few questions can give such a close to truth analysis.

I’ve recently become every interested in what makes people who they are, how the way people are brought up effects what they are like. If things can be sorted out at an early age, it might change the world.

During my work experience as an administrator at the Glasgow Film Theatre, I discovered new skills in a career solely involved in computers. This was when I discovered that I was more interested in people. When I found the Psychology course I found I could combine this interest in people with my mathematical mind.

The reason I am deferring this entry is because I need to develop my independent learning ability and to study a few things that I did not get a chance to this year e.g. RMPS, and also to further my knowledge in other subjects like maths.

I am a student of the martial arts (Jodo – The way of the staff). This is a state of mind, a philosophy and a use of mathematics is also involved. I enjoy it greatly, as it keeps my mind sharp.

Something Somewhere Sometime.

Lost.

bored in computing (not a real post)

We're all doomed.
ALL of us.
Not a rod or tomb in a world of good old lamb posts.
Don't make doom for food, all the toast will become
Soup, for an hour or two, with a mask of desert
Dessert. Flies at you with unstoppable power!
Makes you think, makes you cry, puts you in an oven
gives you hope, makes feel
Tomorrow is another day, waiting in the food filled
hours, never will the cookiejuice run out
all the sauce flows in tune
forever blanketing the truth of turf
jumping in a summer while, making sure the bread is thin.

*yawns*

That was a nice happy day. There's never many of them, always things to remember and hold dear.
Remember smiles, remember just walking and talking, every momentjust felt right today.
It may have all gone to pieces in the big picture of my life, but today, today felt different.
Only thing is, I'm really sleepy, I might get some sleep tonight, you never know.
I've "gotten uesd" to the way things are, the way I am. There are some things I would still cry about, but I've ran out of tears.
This year, it's been a bad year, happy times, yes, but the sad ones, there are more of them.
Everything seemed to happen in months this year. Each month had a different mood. From complete bliss to feeling like dying, this is the most stressful year I've had since first and second year.
Maybe there are connections, but I don't remember them, I blocked them out.
Be Seeing You.

It all hurts.

Right now, too much to even think about.
They hurt me.
Hurt me without knowing.
They will never know why.
Yet they go on guessing.
Maybe I expected too much from them.
That'll be it.
It's all my fault in the end.
Like always.
I'm tired of the turning of logic.
The mind games played.
I wish it would end.
I'm going back now.
Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, it's meaningless anyway.
Be Seeing You.