Ill.

I hate feeling like this, I even missed christmas.
I feel so helpless, so weak.
Through the fevered dreams and really just feeling like I'm going to die, I ended up talking to myself in a sort of void byond sleep.
I don't know what's real or not right now.
I feel very emotionless.
I'm going back to bed.
So tired.
I just want to bring everybody down with me.
be seeing you?

Weird, weird stuff.

My mind has just stopped making sense in what seems a very good way.
Since I've got no idea what happened to me, I can't really post about it... All I know is what it did.
I'm generally happier.
Not happy, but not sad.
I've not got much on my mind and I think that's a really good thing.
I'm really tired.
This is the first time I've felt like I could get some sleep without having to stay up until four in the morning.
I might just go to bed and sleep right away, it would be amazing.
Time to type a letter.
-A-
There.
Right.
So, goodnight.
Sorry for the random randomness, but it just feels like it's been so long.
I just need sleep, not just rest that I normally get.
It would be nice.
Well... This is what happens when I don't really feel like posting anything but do so anyway.... Interesting...
Be Seeing You.

Don't Ask.

I woke up ok this morning.
The day seemed to work out from there.
My mum could tell something was wrong yesterday, she even gave me an early gift today.
A lot of people helped me in little ways today.
I've been given a lot today, more than anyone knows.
Today, today, today.
Thanks all.
be seeing you.

Dreams are all too real for me.

I fear my dreams. I dream things which I wish to be ture, only to wake and find them false. To stop this I stopped sleeping. All I do is lie awake for hours. When I do sleep if I don't remember my dreams, I'm fine, but this seems to be hardly ever the case.
I'm going to rest now, although tonight Ii think I'll end up sleeping, and in the morning, I'll have to face the harsh reality, the world in which we live in.
be seeing you.

*cries*

It's not as bad as I thought it would be, or maybe I just haven't faced it all yet... Today I felt my first day of meaninglessness for a long time. I find myself running out of reasons to get up in the morning. I wasted so much time, and now time has wasted me. I do reliy on others for everything, I need to get myself together. I feel I have no-one to turn to, that I've grown distant. No-one really tursts me, maybe it's because I drive anyone who is close to me away.
I see myself leading a very lonely life. When I find a way out of it, I cling to it untill I've crushed any hope of anything working out right.
Nothing works out for me, and it's all my fault.
I can't post right now.
be seeing you.

And That Was That.

Today, I found out that the person who I care about the most dosen't feel a thing for me. It hasn't hit me yet, but I know it will. the second I found out, I started to post this:

I'm ok now... but I know that later tonight I'll be trying to kill myself as it all sets in... I'll need help later, or soon... just someone watch out for me... I don't want to do anything crazy... it'll be triggered by music, or something that gives me memories...
well... tonight will be fun, while I'm ok right now in this sort of in shock time, I'll be sobbing by midnight... ok, and would someone remind me not to make what ahould have been in my blog apper here, because now I feel I'm forceing this on you all... maybe this what I want to do... I'm not sure at this time what I'm thinking, if I stop to think about that onlly bad things will come of it...
I know I will get over all this in time, but since this is the first night of it, I'm going to find it tough. Ii surieved this before, but now my reason for survieveing is gone, this what's wrong in the first place, but as I said, I'm ok just now, I'm going to keep this up for as long as I can... it helps me think about things with reason, before I get overcome by emotion and all reason gose out the window and I just feel like dying... this will all happen, I've been through it once before, but it was a lot wrose then... there was more negitve reason and I wasn't ready, I have more defences now, more walls, they'll all fall down in a few hours, I can see this coming yet there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing may happen to me, or this could be it, I don't know yet.

"This is the end, my only friend, the end." --the doors

I could put that in better words, but I don't want to think about the meaning of the words.
be seeing you.

Ok, I give up.

Well, yeah... I've had enough of trying to work out how I feel and how other people feel for the moment... it's all gotten that bit too much for me, I'll get back to thinking soon enough, but for now I feel like returning to a frame of mind I had a few years ago.
I think I might suffer from SAD(seasonal ajustment disorder). It happens to my dad, so I don't see him in winter at all really. I really miss him. I hope nothing has happened to him... it's just worrying, when I haven't seen or heard from him in over a month...
Chrismas appoches. This is the least I've looked forward to it, ever. Second one without my granpa... and I just know it won't be as happy as it used to be. I don't even want anything this year, it just all seems so meaningless.
I keep on having these thoughts that everyone I know is dead and I'm all alone. It's horrible, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't know why I can't stop, I hate it, but on some sick level I must enjoy it, it makes me hate myself.
Oh and the happiness of the last post, it lasted five minutes...
be seeing you.

What The Hell?!

A bunch of bad stuff all happened to me at once, yet I'm the happiest I've felt for months? I don't get it, I really don't... Well I'm not complaining, might be that what I thought and think is bad, is actually really good and I just don't know it yet, I've got no idea.
Be Seeing You.

In the Dark.

This always happens to me... I don't know what's going on. No-one tells me anything, I don't know what to ask because I don't even know enough to do that. Since I don't know what's going on, I feel if I posted what's in my mind, it wouldn't sort anything out, it would just convince me further that what I am thinking is true, even if it's not. So I'm just going to not say anything untill I get a better idea of what IS going on. I would say more... but... plans...>_>
Be seeing you.

What's Wrong With Me.

Sorry for the gap there... Too much, or too little going through my head... I found more tests... At least I know the names of what's wrong with me... I have at least three personality disorders... I don't feel so messed up now for some reason... Sort of like if someone knows what's wrong with you, it can be that bad... I don't feel like I'm making a good post here, but maybe that's the problem, I just expect too much from myself. I've found that to be the case many a time. I already see myself as useless, so it will be hard to see myself as any less than I already do. I just don't know what to do. Well, knowing I don't know what to do makes myself see myself as even more useless, so is that a step forward? I've confused myself again. I hate being confused, the worst thing about it is not being able to post here, which really sorts out my thoughts. My thoughts when I'm confused are un-sort-able. I just can't think.
Anyway, the personality disorders I have and how true they are, listed... Here:

(all true)
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:

* Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
* Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
* Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
* Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
* Desire for improved social relations
* Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
* Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

(all true)
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:

* Difficulty making decisions
* Feelings of helplessness when alone
* Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
* Submissiveness
* Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval
* Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

(all true)
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:

* Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Odd beliefs or magical thinking
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

(some of it true sometimes)
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

* Self-injury or attempted suicide
* Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
* Impulsive behavior
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Feelings of low self-worth
* Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Personal Statement. (first draft(update))

My choices of subjects are Psychology, Statistics and Philosophy.

I want to try and understand the human mind, emotions and abnormalities in these. I have a mathematical mind and see it as an art form. The ways in which people try and understand the world are of interest to me.

I read “Shrinks” from the Granta series, the experiments described in it, I found interesting. One in particular, was the experiment on obedience by a professor named Stanley Milgram, where it was discovered that people tend to do things because of where they are, not who they are, and we are slow to see it.

I take an interest in documentaries of a psychological, mathematical or even of a philosophical nature. For example, “The Net” a documentary about an anti-technology mathematician who is imprisoned for several bombings. The documentary shows through a series of letters written from prison, how the mind of the “Unabomber” -as he’s called- works. The insight into this individual was of great interest to me, his maths, his ways of looking at the world, all could be discovered by analysing what he was saying.

On-line psychological tests have always been of interest to me. It’s like a hobby of mine. I try and figure out how it all works, how answering just a few questions can give such a close to truth analysis.

I’ve recently become every interested in what makes people who they are, how the way people are brought up effects what they are like. If things can be sorted out at an early age, it might change the world.

During my work experience as an administrator at the Glasgow Film Theatre, I discovered new skills in a career solely involved in computers. This was when I discovered that I was more interested in people. When I found the Psychology course I found I could combine this interest in people with my mathematical mind.

The reason I am deferring this entry is because I need to develop my independent learning ability and to study a few things that I did not get a chance to this year e.g. RMPS, and also to further my knowledge in other subjects like maths.

I am a student of the martial arts (Jodo – The way of the staff). This is a state of mind, a philosophy and a use of mathematics is also involved. I enjoy it greatly, as it keeps my mind sharp.

Something Somewhere Sometime.

Lost.

bored in computing (not a real post)

We're all doomed.
ALL of us.
Not a rod or tomb in a world of good old lamb posts.
Don't make doom for food, all the toast will become
Soup, for an hour or two, with a mask of desert
Dessert. Flies at you with unstoppable power!
Makes you think, makes you cry, puts you in an oven
gives you hope, makes feel
Tomorrow is another day, waiting in the food filled
hours, never will the cookiejuice run out
all the sauce flows in tune
forever blanketing the truth of turf
jumping in a summer while, making sure the bread is thin.

*yawns*

That was a nice happy day. There's never many of them, always things to remember and hold dear.
Remember smiles, remember just walking and talking, every momentjust felt right today.
It may have all gone to pieces in the big picture of my life, but today, today felt different.
Only thing is, I'm really sleepy, I might get some sleep tonight, you never know.
I've "gotten uesd" to the way things are, the way I am. There are some things I would still cry about, but I've ran out of tears.
This year, it's been a bad year, happy times, yes, but the sad ones, there are more of them.
Everything seemed to happen in months this year. Each month had a different mood. From complete bliss to feeling like dying, this is the most stressful year I've had since first and second year.
Maybe there are connections, but I don't remember them, I blocked them out.
Be Seeing You.

It all hurts.

Right now, too much to even think about.
They hurt me.
Hurt me without knowing.
They will never know why.
Yet they go on guessing.
Maybe I expected too much from them.
That'll be it.
It's all my fault in the end.
Like always.
I'm tired of the turning of logic.
The mind games played.
I wish it would end.
I'm going back now.
Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, it's meaningless anyway.
Be Seeing You.

All The Little Things.

They all matter to me. One word said, bits of tone used, slight movements made,all matter more to me than most things. While it can hurt a lot, everything seems like it's against you, your all alone, and you just want to shut it all off, it can make a good moment beautiful, a nice time perfect, and if you don't get the best from the good times, what can you look forward to? If you don't know how something can happen, how something feels, how can you think about it?
But when you get the worst from the simplest of things, when you just feel like never waking up again, that's when it just get too much, everything just implode around you, your life no longer matters, all that's left is one little thing, all you can think about.
It's hard for me to stop thinking about little things, good or bad. It keeps me awake at night, unable to think in the day, it tears away at me or gives me hope. Thinking this way can do a lot of things to you. It can destroy you, but used at the right times, and it makes you feel like you are the ultimate being in the universe.
Be Seeing You.

Nothing Planned.

I never think about what I'm going to post here, it just sort of happens. If things don't "just happen" to me, I find it really hard to do anything, in any situation.
I like it when I can just wander in to a situation and everything just works out. I'm a very lucky person sometimes, though other times, a lot of the time, nothing works out for me.
When I started thinking about what my life is going to be like, I enjoyed it, but now, I dislike thinking about what I'm going to do in a hours time.
So tired right now. My thoughts aren't stable enough to be put in to words. I'll just go to bed, sleep, and hopefully I won't wake up in the morning.
I won't feel this way in the morning though, may opinons change too much for that. They to change constantly.
Why do I feel like I've posted this before? or have I just thought about it? My thoughts seem so real to me sometimes. I can think something has happen to me, and I can make myself feel like it really has happened to me, and I always do, it's bad.
Be Seeing You.

Confused and Alone.

There's something wrong. I spent an hour today crying, for reasons I couldn't figure out.
I've had enough of life. It's all gotten a bit too much me. I can't think, can't feel, I've had enough.
The only time I relaxed today was when the power went out and I couldn't see or do anything. I can't relax just by not doing anything, I need to know that there's nothing I can do at all, that what I'm doing is the only possible thing I can do, and when I find something which is a better use of my time but I can't be bothered doing it, even though in some cases I have to or know I should do something I end up doing nothing at all. It drives me insane.
I can't do anything. No matter how hard I try, or how much I don't try, I just can't do anything.
I can't live like this. I need a big positive change. Soon.
Be Seeing You.

Awake: Beautiful Understanding.

I woke up feeling awake today. Considering my lack of sleep, was a very odd thing.
The sunrise, visible only for a few minutes before being consumed by the clouds, in heavy snow, with the buildings silhouetted, was beautiful. I've always been a fan of that view from the school, over the city, high flats in the distance, I've always connected it with the end of the world, which I look forward to.
When I say the end of the world, I mean the end of the world as we know it, not the end of all life. I can wait for the day when this world that we know so well, and grown so accustomed to, is forced to a halt by it's own being.
I also found out today that my blog is working, or so I'm told. It's great to hear, I'm always so sure no-one will find anything I do any good, at all. Maybe it's because I see no reason for anyone to like me or anything I do.
I try my best to understand people and their actions. When someone does something "unexpected" I think of everything I know about that person, or could guess about that person, and I try and work out why, not just what, their reason is.
Be seeing you.

Relax.

What a few people think I should do, and I agree with them. I get too worked up about school work, homework, and little things that don't really matter, but I worry about and I make them matter in my mind.
I get so stressed over nothing sometimes, and when I get like that I can't just stop and think, and that makes me more stressed. If there's something I find I can't do, but I know I could do if I thought about it, I get annoyed with myself.
I get annoyed with myself over too many things, almost everything bad that happens to me, I blame on me in some way, usually with good reason...
Some things get to me more than I know they should. It gets to me when that happens, more than it should. When this happens, I usually find some way out of it, but when I don't, I just can't do anything, I can't even keep a steady hand.
The only time I really get angry with myself, is when I lose control of my actions. I need to gain control of my self. I'm hoping Iaido helps with this.
I notice I've returned to a way of thinking I had a few years ago, in a lot of ways a good thing. I don't really care about myself, but it helps me believe what I do.
Be seeing you.

*Starts Iaido* *likes it*

Today was fun, learned two attacks with the Jo, one of the first things for ages that I've wanted to learn, not needed to. I really hate the way the whole teaching system works. I've started coming up with an alternate, I haven't thought through it all yet, but it works in my head.
I found in some ways the way the world works is just like the education system. Once I've worked all out, I'll post it all here, it could become a bit of my life's work, so don't think it'll be here very soon.
I finally got round to doing some of the UCAS thing, I'm less worried now than I was. The things I missed out on this year, I just took a second and thought: "I wouldn't be bothered about that a few years ago, why am I now?" and when I came up with reasons, I didn't like them, so I'm a lot less bothered now, still bothered, just not as much.
I'm not sure of anything yet to happen to me, which while sometimes is a really bad thing, it can also give you a last ray of hope, which just carries you on.
Might get some sleep tonight, might not, with this mixed feeling, it's hard to tell.
Be Seeing You.

Your Personality Is

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

This isn't the first time a test like this has given me this, so it must be mostly true. I took other tests, some I found too personal to post, others just too random.
I like tests like this, I enjoy doing them. The ones on the BBC web-site seem more accurate than most though. After I finish, I always think about how each answer to my qusetions effects what I got in the end. It really makes me think I should do psychology at uni.
I don't know what I'll do... stay on a year, leave this year... I just don't know anymore.
I feel like I've missed out on a lot this year. If I don't come back next year, I'll have missed out on a bunch of stuff forever... but I'm really, really sick of school, the work, the homework, the teachers, I don't know what to do...
I never really thought about my future. I never thought I had one. I really thought I was going to die before I was 16. So this year is the first time I've thought about it, it was fun at first, but then there's all this decisions. I've never been good at making big decisions...
Be Seeing You.

Tired and unable to do homework.

It's annoying me I can't do this, the notes aren't helping, I can't think. Have I just lost the will to do this? I'm not even trying, yet I am... I'm just confused right now, maybe not the best time for a post here.
Watched the last of OZ ever today, it really is a good drama... I'll finish this post tomorrow, with more time, and when I'm more awake...
be seeing you.

Change, a lack of.

Today was a constant loop of lost, seinfeld, on-line, lost, seinfeld, on-line, food. It was relaxing, I haven't thought about much all day apart odd squeaks of happy-ness I was getting, just at the thought of possible happy times to come.
I've got nothing much on my mind, and for the moment at least, I'd like to keep it that way. I think too much about everything almost all the time. I used to have a world in which I could escape to, since I was below the age of five, it's always been there for me, but recently I haven't been able to go there. With it gone, all I have are my thoughts in my head.
It was a great world, it was like a movie that I controlled, the best sci-fi ever made. At least two years long, it spanned four universes.
It may be a bit hard to understand, since I'm the only one who knew everything about it, and it would take more than two years to tell anyone about even if I could remember it all.
I need some change, or I'll never be able to go back.
Be seeing you.

Sparks.

Sparks fly as I write this, my uncle drunk, which would be ok if it wasn’t for my gran, who has a worse reaction than me to drinking. She sits holding her head, almost in tears, my uncle goes on shouting, unaware of the hurt.
Anyway, enough of that, today was a bit boring, every class was studying. In half the classes the people I normally talk to, or just sit near to, were doing children in need, so I was alone for most of the day, at least purple’s in my “not dancing” class, it was a great relief.
Once I went home, I just went to bed, I must have slept for four hours before my mum got in, I was still tired after that, I think getting five hours sleep maximum a night has finally got to me. I should really get more sleep, but I’ve tried, and I can’t. I haven’t been sleeping the way I used to for months now, it is getting better, but not by much.
He’s putting on clips of movies now, starwars, batman, it’s ok, just not when you’re as tired as me.
Be Seeing You.

Weapons.

Today weapons arrived for me.
It's amazing to be asked to do something you've always wanted to do by someone you love. I mean I never thought "the art of drawing a sword" and "the art of the staff" could help me start and, if it starts, maintain my first relationship. Odd that objects of death can bring people together.
I also met my dad today, he had even more meetings and plans to stop world war three. He's making a film to go with a peom he wrote, I did the filming... not a good thing. It was fun anyway, walking around with him, just talking and joking, we really understand each others sense of houmor and just get into a frame of mind for being with each other.
I get on with my family well. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I'd do...
When all but one of my grandperents died, it affected me in ways I'm still finding out...
*sigh*
be seeing you

Feelings.

I find I think mostly in feelings.
When something happens to me, I do have feelings about it, but if someone asks me what I thought about it, I find I didn't have any thoughts. I end up making my thoughts at that moment, and since I've never really thought them through, I'm never very sure of myself. This leads to my quiet talking, where I don't really want anyone to hear me since I'm not sure if I believe it yet.
I could try and descrbe the feelings, but some feelings are indescribable, they don't have any stucture, rules or anything logical about them, so it's nearly impossible to put them into words.
Some people think I have thoughts and just don't say anything, which is sometimes true, but more offen than not, I really don't know what I think.
Be Seeing You.

Life looking up?

I've just spent an hour walking around knightswood, talking and laughing with someone I love.
It was a great time, a time I really needed.
I've always been so shy around her, tonight felt different, better, I felt I could just talk to her. I believed in my self, and I think it showed.
Nothing much else happened today, found out I passed two nabs, but that doesn't really matter.
"It all looks, beautiful to me" --Willard Grant
be seeing you

I know where I am now.

Tonight this is what I worked out, where I am.
I've been lost for sometime now, in a world of hurt and pit of depresstion.
I've now found a way, while I'm still unhappy, to not feel as bad as I've been feeling, and people around me won't get hurt ethier.
If this works, and I will make it work, I'll be me, and then some people will finally know who that is.
After a panic attack followed closely by a mental breakdown, I needed this to happen.
From almost killing myself, things can only get better.
So I've made a blog for more than just my old english eassys like my other one, but one for the relisation of who I am.
I'm going to try and put others on front of myself, like I used to, it's the only way everything I believe can be ture.
Some of what I believe I've still to find out, but what I have found out needs me to think this way.
Be seeing you.