All The Little Things.

They all matter to me. One word said, bits of tone used, slight movements made,all matter more to me than most things. While it can hurt a lot, everything seems like it's against you, your all alone, and you just want to shut it all off, it can make a good moment beautiful, a nice time perfect, and if you don't get the best from the good times, what can you look forward to? If you don't know how something can happen, how something feels, how can you think about it?
But when you get the worst from the simplest of things, when you just feel like never waking up again, that's when it just get too much, everything just implode around you, your life no longer matters, all that's left is one little thing, all you can think about.
It's hard for me to stop thinking about little things, good or bad. It keeps me awake at night, unable to think in the day, it tears away at me or gives me hope. Thinking this way can do a lot of things to you. It can destroy you, but used at the right times, and it makes you feel like you are the ultimate being in the universe.
Be Seeing You.

Nothing Planned.

I never think about what I'm going to post here, it just sort of happens. If things don't "just happen" to me, I find it really hard to do anything, in any situation.
I like it when I can just wander in to a situation and everything just works out. I'm a very lucky person sometimes, though other times, a lot of the time, nothing works out for me.
When I started thinking about what my life is going to be like, I enjoyed it, but now, I dislike thinking about what I'm going to do in a hours time.
So tired right now. My thoughts aren't stable enough to be put in to words. I'll just go to bed, sleep, and hopefully I won't wake up in the morning.
I won't feel this way in the morning though, may opinons change too much for that. They to change constantly.
Why do I feel like I've posted this before? or have I just thought about it? My thoughts seem so real to me sometimes. I can think something has happen to me, and I can make myself feel like it really has happened to me, and I always do, it's bad.
Be Seeing You.

Confused and Alone.

There's something wrong. I spent an hour today crying, for reasons I couldn't figure out.
I've had enough of life. It's all gotten a bit too much me. I can't think, can't feel, I've had enough.
The only time I relaxed today was when the power went out and I couldn't see or do anything. I can't relax just by not doing anything, I need to know that there's nothing I can do at all, that what I'm doing is the only possible thing I can do, and when I find something which is a better use of my time but I can't be bothered doing it, even though in some cases I have to or know I should do something I end up doing nothing at all. It drives me insane.
I can't do anything. No matter how hard I try, or how much I don't try, I just can't do anything.
I can't live like this. I need a big positive change. Soon.
Be Seeing You.

Awake: Beautiful Understanding.

I woke up feeling awake today. Considering my lack of sleep, was a very odd thing.
The sunrise, visible only for a few minutes before being consumed by the clouds, in heavy snow, with the buildings silhouetted, was beautiful. I've always been a fan of that view from the school, over the city, high flats in the distance, I've always connected it with the end of the world, which I look forward to.
When I say the end of the world, I mean the end of the world as we know it, not the end of all life. I can wait for the day when this world that we know so well, and grown so accustomed to, is forced to a halt by it's own being.
I also found out today that my blog is working, or so I'm told. It's great to hear, I'm always so sure no-one will find anything I do any good, at all. Maybe it's because I see no reason for anyone to like me or anything I do.
I try my best to understand people and their actions. When someone does something "unexpected" I think of everything I know about that person, or could guess about that person, and I try and work out why, not just what, their reason is.
Be seeing you.

Relax.

What a few people think I should do, and I agree with them. I get too worked up about school work, homework, and little things that don't really matter, but I worry about and I make them matter in my mind.
I get so stressed over nothing sometimes, and when I get like that I can't just stop and think, and that makes me more stressed. If there's something I find I can't do, but I know I could do if I thought about it, I get annoyed with myself.
I get annoyed with myself over too many things, almost everything bad that happens to me, I blame on me in some way, usually with good reason...
Some things get to me more than I know they should. It gets to me when that happens, more than it should. When this happens, I usually find some way out of it, but when I don't, I just can't do anything, I can't even keep a steady hand.
The only time I really get angry with myself, is when I lose control of my actions. I need to gain control of my self. I'm hoping Iaido helps with this.
I notice I've returned to a way of thinking I had a few years ago, in a lot of ways a good thing. I don't really care about myself, but it helps me believe what I do.
Be seeing you.

*Starts Iaido* *likes it*

Today was fun, learned two attacks with the Jo, one of the first things for ages that I've wanted to learn, not needed to. I really hate the way the whole teaching system works. I've started coming up with an alternate, I haven't thought through it all yet, but it works in my head.
I found in some ways the way the world works is just like the education system. Once I've worked all out, I'll post it all here, it could become a bit of my life's work, so don't think it'll be here very soon.
I finally got round to doing some of the UCAS thing, I'm less worried now than I was. The things I missed out on this year, I just took a second and thought: "I wouldn't be bothered about that a few years ago, why am I now?" and when I came up with reasons, I didn't like them, so I'm a lot less bothered now, still bothered, just not as much.
I'm not sure of anything yet to happen to me, which while sometimes is a really bad thing, it can also give you a last ray of hope, which just carries you on.
Might get some sleep tonight, might not, with this mixed feeling, it's hard to tell.
Be Seeing You.

Your Personality Is

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

This isn't the first time a test like this has given me this, so it must be mostly true. I took other tests, some I found too personal to post, others just too random.
I like tests like this, I enjoy doing them. The ones on the BBC web-site seem more accurate than most though. After I finish, I always think about how each answer to my qusetions effects what I got in the end. It really makes me think I should do psychology at uni.
I don't know what I'll do... stay on a year, leave this year... I just don't know anymore.
I feel like I've missed out on a lot this year. If I don't come back next year, I'll have missed out on a bunch of stuff forever... but I'm really, really sick of school, the work, the homework, the teachers, I don't know what to do...
I never really thought about my future. I never thought I had one. I really thought I was going to die before I was 16. So this year is the first time I've thought about it, it was fun at first, but then there's all this decisions. I've never been good at making big decisions...
Be Seeing You.

Tired and unable to do homework.

It's annoying me I can't do this, the notes aren't helping, I can't think. Have I just lost the will to do this? I'm not even trying, yet I am... I'm just confused right now, maybe not the best time for a post here.
Watched the last of OZ ever today, it really is a good drama... I'll finish this post tomorrow, with more time, and when I'm more awake...
be seeing you.

Change, a lack of.

Today was a constant loop of lost, seinfeld, on-line, lost, seinfeld, on-line, food. It was relaxing, I haven't thought about much all day apart odd squeaks of happy-ness I was getting, just at the thought of possible happy times to come.
I've got nothing much on my mind, and for the moment at least, I'd like to keep it that way. I think too much about everything almost all the time. I used to have a world in which I could escape to, since I was below the age of five, it's always been there for me, but recently I haven't been able to go there. With it gone, all I have are my thoughts in my head.
It was a great world, it was like a movie that I controlled, the best sci-fi ever made. At least two years long, it spanned four universes.
It may be a bit hard to understand, since I'm the only one who knew everything about it, and it would take more than two years to tell anyone about even if I could remember it all.
I need some change, or I'll never be able to go back.
Be seeing you.

Sparks.

Sparks fly as I write this, my uncle drunk, which would be ok if it wasn’t for my gran, who has a worse reaction than me to drinking. She sits holding her head, almost in tears, my uncle goes on shouting, unaware of the hurt.
Anyway, enough of that, today was a bit boring, every class was studying. In half the classes the people I normally talk to, or just sit near to, were doing children in need, so I was alone for most of the day, at least purple’s in my “not dancing” class, it was a great relief.
Once I went home, I just went to bed, I must have slept for four hours before my mum got in, I was still tired after that, I think getting five hours sleep maximum a night has finally got to me. I should really get more sleep, but I’ve tried, and I can’t. I haven’t been sleeping the way I used to for months now, it is getting better, but not by much.
He’s putting on clips of movies now, starwars, batman, it’s ok, just not when you’re as tired as me.
Be Seeing You.

Weapons.

Today weapons arrived for me.
It's amazing to be asked to do something you've always wanted to do by someone you love. I mean I never thought "the art of drawing a sword" and "the art of the staff" could help me start and, if it starts, maintain my first relationship. Odd that objects of death can bring people together.
I also met my dad today, he had even more meetings and plans to stop world war three. He's making a film to go with a peom he wrote, I did the filming... not a good thing. It was fun anyway, walking around with him, just talking and joking, we really understand each others sense of houmor and just get into a frame of mind for being with each other.
I get on with my family well. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I'd do...
When all but one of my grandperents died, it affected me in ways I'm still finding out...
*sigh*
be seeing you

Feelings.

I find I think mostly in feelings.
When something happens to me, I do have feelings about it, but if someone asks me what I thought about it, I find I didn't have any thoughts. I end up making my thoughts at that moment, and since I've never really thought them through, I'm never very sure of myself. This leads to my quiet talking, where I don't really want anyone to hear me since I'm not sure if I believe it yet.
I could try and descrbe the feelings, but some feelings are indescribable, they don't have any stucture, rules or anything logical about them, so it's nearly impossible to put them into words.
Some people think I have thoughts and just don't say anything, which is sometimes true, but more offen than not, I really don't know what I think.
Be Seeing You.

Life looking up?

I've just spent an hour walking around knightswood, talking and laughing with someone I love.
It was a great time, a time I really needed.
I've always been so shy around her, tonight felt different, better, I felt I could just talk to her. I believed in my self, and I think it showed.
Nothing much else happened today, found out I passed two nabs, but that doesn't really matter.
"It all looks, beautiful to me" --Willard Grant
be seeing you

I know where I am now.

Tonight this is what I worked out, where I am.
I've been lost for sometime now, in a world of hurt and pit of depresstion.
I've now found a way, while I'm still unhappy, to not feel as bad as I've been feeling, and people around me won't get hurt ethier.
If this works, and I will make it work, I'll be me, and then some people will finally know who that is.
After a panic attack followed closely by a mental breakdown, I needed this to happen.
From almost killing myself, things can only get better.
So I've made a blog for more than just my old english eassys like my other one, but one for the relisation of who I am.
I'm going to try and put others on front of myself, like I used to, it's the only way everything I believe can be ture.
Some of what I believe I've still to find out, but what I have found out needs me to think this way.
Be seeing you.